overcoming messy friendship

                                  

Girls... oh how complicated we are.

Being friends with another girl- let the complications arise. 

Ever since the beginning of time, girls and women of all ages, have had times or seasons of being plagued with friendship drama. Guys too.
If you are a girl and you are reading this, I am sure you are one of those people.
The jealously, the clickiness, the comparison, the lies, the manipulation.... the tears!!

Why do we allow ourselves to be in these types of scenarios over and over again? Why do you we sometimes feel like we have to be liked the most, or be the "best friend"? Why do we get jealous when a close friend has other good friends? Why can't we be truly happy for a friend when they have a great time somewhere without us? Why do we sit up at night and think about exactly what was said in a conversation, and all the underlying things they really meant? All of these thoughts I classify as "icky".

Years back I started realizing all of this, and how unhealthy it was. I thought, surely this was not how God intended friendship, and yet it seemed impossible for it to be any other way. Girls will be girls.. right? But, there must be a better way!! There must be a way to have other friends without feeling like I am betraying the ones I already have- or to be the one having feelings of betrayal.... I felt icky.

It seemed like a hopeless battle.
I thought - even if I changed, no one else would. 

In one of my (many) venting talks to Bobby one evening, he told me it was all a choice. I'm sure he had tried doing this many times before, and I'm sure my response was something like- "stop trying to pastor me!" (HA)  This time I said.. "But even if I do that, they will STILL do this, or think that and it won't change anything." He said that it didn't matter if they changed or not. What mattered is what I did in my own heart and how I reacted, no matter how any one else was behaving or thinking. How choosing into those thoughts and behaviors will change ME. Which is more important than being right, or making sure they change as well. I was only responsible for me.
Hmmmmm... this sounded really really hard and mostly impossible. But I knew he was right. I apprehensively said I would give it a try, with his help. (having someone safe to process with is a big help)
It was really hard at first to let things go. To shake that icky thing and get control of my thoughts.
I am sure that icky thing is a little different for everyone. I often thought about what it really meant to love well, which I talk about in my doing the dishes post- with no strings attached. We girls love our strings!

Now- I am not saying there will never be times we feel hurt or disappointed by a friend and be right in it.  So I hope you can hear my my heart on this. It's that icky thing I am talking about -And I think you girls know just what I mean.

THE BOTTOM LINE
Behaving, or even thinking in a jealous, needy, or manipulative way in any relationship almost always stems from INSECURITY. Yay! Don't we just love to talk about our insecurities?
I found the times I was feeling all of those "icky" things, it was really great insecurity of some kind. 
We all have our reasons for having insecurities in friendship- Maybe we have NEVER been the best friend and wonder what in the world is wrong with us. Maybe we are looking for people to fill needs that are impossible for them to fill. Maybe we have been wounded by old friendships or relationships. Maybe we have trust issues from being betrayed by a loved one. Maybe we have had an overly clingy friend. Or maybe we are a pastor's wife and... ahem.. well, it's complicated. (that's a whole different post :) ) The list goes on..

I can tell you now- years and years later- that it is possible to overcome this friendship drama thing. To be able to have many different types of friends without any of the drama.
It doesn't mean I don't have a brief "icky" moment here and there. I am still a human. But the longer I choose into the healthy things and shake the icky things in friendship, the more it becomes my most natural way of thinking. And when drama arises, I don't get involved. I steer clear. 

Women, we need other women to help us on our way. To encourage us, support us, challenge us. Sometimes when things get messy, it feels easier to retreat completely. Or it may feel easier for you to go at something head-on in the name of "justice", which is different than going at something head-on because you love them.  We need women we can be honest with about the realities of our lives, internal and external. We need women who will offer us truth in return. We receive good things from other women. Things we cannot receive from men.
A good friend knows who the true you is, even when you are PMS-ing all over the place. A friend sees who you are meant to be, and helps call you to the higher version of yourself. And a good friend can receive truth, even when it's hard to hear. A healthy friendship glorifies God. 

I encourage you all to examine your friendships. Examine your hearts. Are you living fully in your friendships? Are there friendships you need to fight harder for? Maybe there are friendships you need to distance yourself from. What are your insecurities and how do they play out? We all have been wounded by a friend. Some wounds are deeper than others. We need to invite Jesus to heal our wounds so we can live fully in the friendships we have now. Friendships are such a gift! Let us all ask the Lord to show us how our friendships were designed to be, and start choosing into that today. 
Greater than all else, we need to be looking to Jesus to fully satisfy our deepest needs. Only He can. We will never be fulfilled striving to find it elsewhere. 


*I would love to hear your thoughts, comments, and ideas on this below. Feel free to share, even if you disagree. =)
*To learn more about me read my About Me page