overcoming messy friendship

                                  

Girls... oh how complicated we are.

Being friends with another girl- let the complications arise. 

Ever since the beginning of time, girls and women of all ages, have had times or seasons of being plagued with friendship drama. Guys too.
If you are a girl and you are reading this, I am sure you are one of those people.
The jealously, the clickiness, the comparison, the lies, the manipulation.... the tears!!

Why do we allow ourselves to be in these types of scenarios over and over again? Why do you we sometimes feel like we have to be liked the most, or be the "best friend"? Why do we get jealous when a close friend has other good friends? Why can't we be truly happy for a friend when they have a great time somewhere without us? Why do we sit up at night and think about exactly what was said in a conversation, and all the underlying things they really meant? All of these thoughts I classify as "icky".

Years back I started realizing all of this, and how unhealthy it was. I thought, surely this was not how God intended friendship, and yet it seemed impossible for it to be any other way. Girls will be girls.. right? But, there must be a better way!! There must be a way to have other friends without feeling like I am betraying the ones I already have- or to be the one having feelings of betrayal.... I felt icky.

It seemed like a hopeless battle.
I thought - even if I changed, no one else would. 

In one of my (many) venting talks to Bobby one evening, he told me it was all a choice. I'm sure he had tried doing this many times before, and I'm sure my response was something like- "stop trying to pastor me!" (HA)  This time I said.. "But even if I do that, they will STILL do this, or think that and it won't change anything." He said that it didn't matter if they changed or not. What mattered is what I did in my own heart and how I reacted, no matter how any one else was behaving or thinking. How choosing into those thoughts and behaviors will change ME. Which is more important than being right, or making sure they change as well. I was only responsible for me.
Hmmmmm... this sounded really really hard and mostly impossible. But I knew he was right. I apprehensively said I would give it a try, with his help. (having someone safe to process with is a big help)
It was really hard at first to let things go. To shake that icky thing and get control of my thoughts.
I am sure that icky thing is a little different for everyone. I often thought about what it really meant to love well, which I talk about in my doing the dishes post- with no strings attached. We girls love our strings!

Now- I am not saying there will never be times we feel hurt or disappointed by a friend and be right in it.  So I hope you can hear my my heart on this. It's that icky thing I am talking about -And I think you girls know just what I mean.

THE BOTTOM LINE
Behaving, or even thinking in a jealous, needy, or manipulative way in any relationship almost always stems from INSECURITY. Yay! Don't we just love to talk about our insecurities?
I found the times I was feeling all of those "icky" things, it was really great insecurity of some kind. 
We all have our reasons for having insecurities in friendship- Maybe we have NEVER been the best friend and wonder what in the world is wrong with us. Maybe we are looking for people to fill needs that are impossible for them to fill. Maybe we have been wounded by old friendships or relationships. Maybe we have trust issues from being betrayed by a loved one. Maybe we have had an overly clingy friend. Or maybe we are a pastor's wife and... ahem.. well, it's complicated. (that's a whole different post :) ) The list goes on..

I can tell you now- years and years later- that it is possible to overcome this friendship drama thing. To be able to have many different types of friends without any of the drama.
It doesn't mean I don't have a brief "icky" moment here and there. I am still a human. But the longer I choose into the healthy things and shake the icky things in friendship, the more it becomes my most natural way of thinking. And when drama arises, I don't get involved. I steer clear. 

Women, we need other women to help us on our way. To encourage us, support us, challenge us. Sometimes when things get messy, it feels easier to retreat completely. Or it may feel easier for you to go at something head-on in the name of "justice", which is different than going at something head-on because you love them.  We need women we can be honest with about the realities of our lives, internal and external. We need women who will offer us truth in return. We receive good things from other women. Things we cannot receive from men.
A good friend knows who the true you is, even when you are PMS-ing all over the place. A friend sees who you are meant to be, and helps call you to the higher version of yourself. And a good friend can receive truth, even when it's hard to hear. A healthy friendship glorifies God. 

I encourage you all to examine your friendships. Examine your hearts. Are you living fully in your friendships? Are there friendships you need to fight harder for? Maybe there are friendships you need to distance yourself from. What are your insecurities and how do they play out? We all have been wounded by a friend. Some wounds are deeper than others. We need to invite Jesus to heal our wounds so we can live fully in the friendships we have now. Friendships are such a gift! Let us all ask the Lord to show us how our friendships were designed to be, and start choosing into that today. 
Greater than all else, we need to be looking to Jesus to fully satisfy our deepest needs. Only He can. We will never be fulfilled striving to find it elsewhere. 


*I would love to hear your thoughts, comments, and ideas on this below. Feel free to share, even if you disagree. =)
*To learn more about me read my About Me page

doing the dishes

Meet Bobby. My husband. (The one who makes the title of my blog a true statement )


Before Bobby and I got married, he told me he wanted to be an equal help around the house when he was home. 50/50.  So he said that he wanted to help out by doing the dishes.... every night. Was I crazy enough to turn him down? No.

I have often reflected on that conversation. Evenings when he is in the kitchen doing the dishes, even on nights I didn't cook. I've thought about what it takes in a person to make a decision of that kind, and follow through with it every day he is at home, for ten years. Of course there have been times over the years when he has been sick, or gone, or the evening has gotten away from him. But 99% of the time, he does it.
I'm pretty sure I have never heard him complain about it. There are probably many nights when doing the dishes is the last thing he wants to do after a long day at work, followed by a possibly chaotic evening. If I offer to do it, he says not to worry about it. And now after 3 kids, I'm sure there are times he is thinking.. "why did I agree to this!" But, he does it.

Now, I am not telling you this to try to convince you I have the best husband in the world. (although I think I may)  I am telling you this, to share with you what this has done in ME. What it does to a person to be loved in such a way, with such consistency, over a long period of time. It is a daily reminder to me that I am deeply loved. That I am worth being loved. Whether we are having an off day, or an on day. It often makes me ask myself if I am loving him back in the same, consistent, practical ways. Or with my kids, my friends, my neighbors...strangers?

I have recently read the book "Love Does" by Bob Goff . Which I highly recommend. The basis of the book is about how love doesn't just keep thinking about it, or planning for it. Love doesn't just have good intentions. It doesn't just talk about good things, or agree with them. Love DOES. How the kind of love God created involves sacrifice and presence. Doing things when you may not feel like it. A love that never grows tired, or is totally finished finding new ways to express itself.
I want to love in this way! And who wouldn't want to BE loved in this way?
When we love well it is like an active force. It inspires and changes. It's simply the kind of love God calls us to.

I've been asking the Lord to highlight the areas in my life where I could step up my loving well a notch. I invite you to do the same.

(If you haven't read my About Me page- check it out)